PARADISE OR HELL?

Okay. You've probably all heard the saying "God will never give you more than you can handle."? I've always believed that but now I'm getting to the point where what I really believe is that I must be the toughest bitch around, because I'm still managing to "handle it".
Today my husband took my daughter for her guitar lesson with her uncle(my brother) and when he came home he told me that they are not planning to have a birthday party for their son, who will turn one in a few days.
When he was born, my brother and his girlfriend asked me to be my new nephews godmother.
Of course I accepted, my brother is one of the most important people in my life, and their son is the most amazing child I've ever met. This is coming from someone with 2 kids of her own, so you know I wouldn't say that lightly. There's something special about him. He's like a baby genius and he's the most affectionate kid ever!
So anyway, now that my brother and his now wife are studying with the J.W.s again, I guess I am no longer his godmother, I can't even buy him a birthday gift! But the worst part of it all is that their eternity is now in question. I'm terrified of losing them but I'm even more terrified of them losing everything.
You see, Jehovahs' Witnesses don't believe in hell. They believe that the good ones will live in paradise here on earth, and the unworthy ones (everyone who's not one of them) will just be fertilizer. That may sound tempting to many people, but the idea of just existing forever here on earth is kinda like being locked in a room with all of my Dean Koontz books-FOREVER-and having to read them all over and over again....when what I really want is to meet the author himself.
God is the artist who created this planet and all others, so why is it that they dont care about meeting the artist? I say they're just in it for the art. To me that's selfish.
Me on the other hand, I do believe in hell. Where it is I don't know. I don't claim to know my bible inside and out, I couldn't preach to a rock.
But I know what I believe without even the tiniest doubt, because I've experienced things that can not be explained in any other way than to admit that God showed me.
So, if the J.W.s are right, I'm just worm food anyway so it's really not an issue.
But if they're wrong and there is a hell, well, I hate to say it but I'm afraid I may lose at least 7 loved ones.
So this is an area where I'd really like to be wrong. Give them paradise. Save my mother and big brother from hell. Let them live forever in a perfect world where there will be no pain, aging, death, sadness, illness....I'm more than willing to just be worm food if it would spare them.
But I couldn't make myself believe anything different even if I tried.
This is why I am broken.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

I don't know why I'm doing this, I don't expect to have any "followers" or anything, maybe it's because I just need a place to vent where I won't get lectured or reprimanded...I can just say what I'm thinking.
In that case, here goes. I hate my life. My family is pretty big, yet it's as if none of us exists in each others worlds. I have 4 big brothers, 2 big sisters, over 20 nephews and nieces, more aunts, uncles and cousins than I can keep track of, and do you know who calls me on a daily basis to see how I'm doing? Here's a hint... it's none of them.
It's my ex-husbands wife. We get along freakishly well (to the chegrin of my ex)
She calls or texts me literally every day, usually a few times a day,just to say "hey what's up? how u feeling today?"
And I can GUARANTEE you that she will be the first (and probably the only) person to call me in the morning to wish me a happy birthday.
It's so depressing to think that I'm so un-loveable that my own family doesn't want to be with me.
Anyway, as of 3 minutes ago I am officially 35, so I'll leave it there for now.
GOODNIGHT ALL- IF U LOVE SOMEONE, DON'T ASSUME THEY KNOW IT. SHOW THEM;)

So, tomorrow evening I'm having a "party", and I've spent the day obsessing about how NOT clean the house is and trying to fix that. But seeing as it was another one of those rare warm sunny days, I had to spend it outside.
You see, I suffer from severe anxiety disorder and clinical depression, so when the sun comes out, I NEED to be outside, or I end up punishing myself and feeling guilty.
So, I made myself useful outside and detailed my car. Yes, I'm a woman-a married woman at that- and I am the one who does all the car related stuff. My dad was a mechanic his whole life, not to mention having 4 big brothers, so I am naturally inclined to do these things. Needless to say I hate cooking.
So anyway, I spent the majority of the day outside enjoying this beautiful weather. I'm trying to think more positively now, because there are too many negatives in my life and as my hero Dean Koontz once said, "despair is a foolish squandering of precious time."
So I'll leave it at that for today, not too exciting but as I understand it I need to post something every day if I have any hope of getting anyone to read this.

I Stepped Into Summer

When I woke up today, I did my usual breakfast ritual, then stepped outside for a cigarette like I do every day....yeah yeah I know I shouldn't smoke.....anyway, and it was like I had been in a coma for a couple of months.
I stepped into summertime!! Last night it was cold, below zero anyway, and this morning, it was literally t-shirt and shorts weather. Of course I had to go to work today, and it ws a zoo in there. But I made the decision a while ago that no matter what, I won't complain about anything on sunny days. We don't get enough sunlight anymore, winter seems to last longer and longer every year. So I feel free to complain on most days..but on rare days like today, I refuse to taint the perfection with negativity.
So that's my rant of the day. Don't worry, it's not usually sunny around here so I should be back to "normal" soon.

the curse continues...

They say "don't go to bed angry" but what else can I do, just stay up all night? How is it possible to love someone unconditionally but still carry this huge amount of rage towards them? If anyone out there has had any personal experience with Jehovahs' Witnesses, whether it be someone in your family or even yourself, please, I need someone who understands to help me to try and understand.
I love my mom very much, but when I look at what my family has and is still going through because of her beliefs, I want to grab her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her and make her see what she's doing!
I can't be the only one who has these feelings.
I need to stop now but I'll be back tomorrow.

Nothing much to say today. I've been losing sleep over this whole family thing. Worried that my brother is actually going to become one of "them" again even after how much they hurt him last time.
I'm also worried about my sister who I haven't seen or spoken to in months. She's married to a very controlling man, who in the past she herself has referred to as satan, but now claims she couldn't be happier. Yeah. That's why she tried to kill herself.
I tried to tell her how I felt about everything, and asked her to correct me if I was wrong. She wouldn't respond.
Family seems to have no meaning anymore. Used to be we'd stick together, always be there no matter what when someone needed us, do anything for them. Now we can't be bothered to send a card when a wedding or birthday party is missed.
I don't want to be that family that only sees each other at funerals.
Okay, maybe I had a little to say.

The Beginning

It all started with my mom making one bad choice. Well actually it was a collection of bad choices that led up to her starting to study with Jehovahs' Witnesses. She was pregnant with me at the time. 35 years ago.
My family had always been strictly oldschool Mennonite before this, and when she started studying with them, things got really bad. There were 7 of us kids at home, but most of the older ones got out early. Ran away, or just moved out. Unfortunately I was the youngest of the 7, and I got to see a lot. Those of us who didn't leave had to go to the bible studies, get teased at school, forced to go house to house with mom and watch people slam the door in her face. I thought it was bad as a kid.
Now, as a mother of 2, it's so much worse. She refused to come to my wedding because it was in a church. She doesn't come to birthday parties, or even call for that matter. She has 21 grandchildren and has never been to a birthday party, baptism, Christmas play, NOTHING!
Unbelieveably, one of my brothers and his wife are also J.W.s.....and another one of my brothers, who was already baptized as a J.W. but got disfellowshipped, is once again studying along with his wife.
They change. They are not the people I grew up with, looked up to, had fun with, or trusted.
So my question is this: If JEHOVAHS' WITNESSES are so loving and accepting and PERFECT, why do we as their biological families feel so hurt and unloved and abandoned?